Sandra, thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. After I wrote the above post, I came across Laurel Parnell's EMDR handbook for therapists on Amazon. It just so happens that the excerpt provided is most of the first chapter, a thorough but quick overview of the eight phases of EMDR, and so I was quickly able to narrow in more exactly on what has been missing (specifically, most of the assessment phase, some of the desensitization phase, the body scan, and the debriefing/closing phase).

Armed with that, I went back for my regular appointment today and brought up how, in looking for my own tools and finding my own way as she had challenged, I had reexamined EMDR and thought we could use it more effectively. I tried to be very generous about it, did a lot of soft-pedaling and acting ignorant, but DID manage to completely outline the various missing parts and how I really thought we could gain from them.

She didn't like it, especially at first, but since I was closing most phrases with a, "Would you be willing to help me with this?" or a "Would this be something you could add?" she pretty much had to either assent or refuse. She said she would be willing to incorporate my suggestions, and as the visit went on it seemed more genuine on her part. I think as time went on she got that I didn't look at it as a failure on her part, or a challenge to her professionalism, but that I really do just want her professional guidance and help. So we'll see how it goes.

I do not believe that getting a consultation is in her repertoire, if only because she does not believe she needs one at all. And after today, she may not need one: if this encourages her to brush up and adhere to the entire protocol, every time, then I think I have the best I am going to get in this particular situation. After I return to work and have an income again, I can go to any therapist I like, but this is what I have available now.

I appreciate your comment regarding being dissociative; it's a good point because both types of PTSD, complex and non-complex, are categorized as dissociative disorders. My PTSD comes from an abusive childhood environment -- which I had actually worked through and come to terms with in many ways 20 years ago -- which was revisited in an incredibly bad professional situation. Bullying, physically threatening, lying, false accusations, the whole thing. And it went on, non-stop, day after day, for months. I became like the proverbial deer in the headlights: I just froze.

I knew it was bad, really bad, but I had no clue about PTSD or even that it had affected me in any deep way. I only knew that after I left that job I was more or less crippled and couldn't seem to get myself off the couch to find more work, and figured I just needed to rest and "get over it." But then I started having the whole gamut of PTSD symptoms (horrible insomnia, flashbacks, instant rage, short term amnesia, depression, suicidality, etc.) and when I got help for what I thought was depression, *surprise!* it's PTSD.

I'm statisfied that the diagnosis of complex PTSD is correct, because while I did a great deal of emotional work 20 years ago, and what amounts to cognitive restructuring, I never dealt with the somatic memories, nor did I know that I even had them, nor dissociative ways of coping with profound stressors. So I have spent most of my life piling on the original traumas without even knowing it. The work I did years ago was great for helping me to avoid more obvious and self-destructive reenactments, but there's no question for me that, PTSD or no PTSD, I have been dissociating in some form or another my entire life.

It was telling for me, after being diagnosed, to remember how when these things were occurring at the job I would actually begin to lose my memory of them that same day, and have to work through a mental haze to clearly recall the details when I would think about them later in the same evening. When it came around to accepting the complex-PTSD diagnosis, having seen this memory loss *in action* in myself was one of the things that made me a believer: I knew it was happening at the time, but not why, and it seemed like the least of my problems at the time so I didn't pursue it. The PTSD diagnosis made sense of it, and alerted me to what I had forgotten I had forgotten.

So to tell you the truth, I have no idea whether I am dissociative in terms of the more extreme manifestations of it. I honestly don't believe I am, there are no indications of "others" or alters or whatever, to the best of my knowledge. But I do recall after one major session of EMDR where a specific memory network was unleashed and processed, I had the distinct feeling of having lived my life on the edge of a cliff in the fog: no, I don't have multiple personalities, but in the ways that I have hidden myself from myself, I missed it by only a hair. When I finally saw the depth of my dissociative coping skills, I was -- and still am -- pretty shocked. So if someone were to tell me tomorrow that I am dissociative, it would not be a surprise.

That said, I appreciate the clue on the interweaving technique you outlined. I think I understand what you're getting at; I have never *asked* (as I would another person) but I can certainly give it a shot. It's not very different, as you described it, from what takes place in EMDR anyway -- the openness to, and welcoming of, associated pictures, feelings, thoughts, memories -- so I am assuming it's a more direct invitation of the same. Since I obviously dissociate, it's definitely worth a try regardless of the specific diagnosis. Is that technique also covered in the Forgash and Copeley book you mentioned? If it is, and others like it, I could find a way to ensure my therapist knows about it. She did, after all, challenge me to find my own tools; this would be another one I just happened across in my journeys.

You know, in a way I am very grateful to this woman for "dropping the ball". It really IS up to me to find my way out of this, and her actions have lit a fire under me to do so. If part of that is having to "manage the manager" while I pursue my healing, being direct with her and asking for what I need -- *regardless* of whether I should have to, or whether she should already know and be doing these things in her professional capacity -- then that's simply what I have to do. This has already forced me to look into other things I'm missing (especially somatic memory work, which I think will end up being really beneficial to me) so I can only thank her... especially if she steps up to the plate after today's chat. That would be bonus.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts. Thank you again for your thoughtful response; any and all information is much appreciated.