After Therapy for 9 months my therapist suggested that I consider EMDR to help with the Traumas. Make a list of Big T and Small t experiences to bring with me to the EMDR Therapist. I am a bit detail oriented and made up a matrix flow diagram of life 's traumas and the points where I feel they diverge and interconnect. This chart had 18 events. I was asked for 10 but oh well. things are what they are. After a couple of weeks of establishing safe place skills and a minor t experience the real sessions began. I have to say I did like the safe place sessions. The one of the common things during and when I drive home afterward is the shaking. During the procedure I would shake vigorously at times but settle down during the closing step. This shaking would return thou driving home. I would end up puling over once almost every session. It was the worse when working on the beginning initial day memory of a SA experience. This experience was revisited during the next session but I never did get to a 1 after the second session. The following session things turned bad. We were undertaking another different sexual based experience. During the first initial bilateral whatever of the session the only way I can explain how it felt was I grabbed a live electrical wire and could not let go. She spent the rest of the sessions 45 minutes or so closing out calming me down. I stopped EMDR after that session. So yes My experience has been it helped with one SA experience but also it can bee too much as well.

It has been 9 months since then and my T and I are discussing EMDR again. Why she wants to put herself through that hell again after getting me reasonably stabilized the last couple of months. No more monthly cycle of self harm, push pull by firing her/ running away and then apologizing. I can be difficult. She once described me as a mine field. I see it like wack a mole myself. I compartmentalize very well and excel as a father and boss. Not so good in any of other other goles. I isolate mostly. People would never know what is really going on inside.

I digress my question has to do with being afraid of touching that memory/experience let alone the another memory of self harming / reenacting at 7 years old. I have no direct memory of any reason why I had to do what I did /do. During the SA experience I mentioned above all I could think of as looked at him doing things to me was that he was doing the wrong sexual act. It was supposed to hurt. We did not touch that the last time in EMDR. So as positive as everyone is about EMDR and most of my experiences with EMDR except the last session. I like my T. She has helped me. I do not want to behave they way I have when things are crazy for me. She accepts my crazyness when it happens mostly but my behaviors cause these firm boundary conversations. I just feel guilty that I caused her to angry with me. My words not hers. EMDR scares me but I do believe it works. What can I do? A very round about way of saying my experiences with EMDR were plenty eventful.