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Old March 25th, 2005, 08:02 PM
Just a layman Just a layman is offline
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1
Question Letters from Narcissus

As I read the letters, particularly the first three, I was stunned --- my heart was racing and I felt like my stomach was in my throat. You see, I was engaged to Narcissus. I, however, can no longer endure the "tests." I am exhaustive and feel like I have been run over by a semi truck.

I have spent considerable time focusing on him: he did this, he did that, can you believe it, he said this, etc..... I want to channel all that energy and spend some time thinking --- what does it all say about me.

I got a kick out of a couple of comments posted that said something to the effect of: who would want me as a member -- a member who endures prolonged and agonizing tests from the naricissus. I also related so well to the comments regarding "they always come back."

I spent a significant amount of time in this relationship with constant turmoil. He "broke up" with me so many many times that I can't recall all the break ups and reconciliations. From a layman's perspective, it seems so similar to the domestic violence syndrome.

The point of this message: could you point me in the direction of good literature (not too professional, yet not pop psycho-mumbo-jumbo) addressing the issues surrounding someone like me -- the partners that have allowed and participated in the dynamics of narcissus' relationships and who continually go back for more, all the time hoping and praying things will change -- that he will finally "get it" -- and, of course, he never does.

Thank you so much.

Last edited by Just a layman; March 25th, 2005 at 08:14 PM..
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Old December 23rd, 2005, 06:41 AM
Lil'Pon Lil'Pon is offline
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 24
Default Re: Letters from Narcissus

Try this:
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Old December 28th, 2005, 10:06 AM
Lil'Pon Lil'Pon is offline
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 24
Default Re: Letters from Narcissus

The answer for you, is that you have probably already answered your own question. It is doubtful that your narcissist friend will “ever get it”. It's likely that “things will never change”. It's likely that the only thing you can do to help your own situation is to stop coming back for more - that is - if your partner truly has full blown NPD. Full blown NPD people are nearly incurable and about the only thing they can do to help themselves is get some kind of counseling so that they can remain functional to a degree. Meds usually don’t work either because all personality disorders are comprised of an ingrained belief system. Belief systems are extremely difficult to change no matter what kind of therapy and/or meds are involved. Narcissists maintain the skewed perception that they are “always right”, that “everyone else is wrong”. That’s the way it will always be with a full blown NPD person.

People with NPD are experts in making the people around them miserable. NPD people are extremely skillful at that – making everyone else around them miserable – especially those who love and care about them. Life is a matter of degrees though and I believe that there are also people with moderate cases of NPD and that there is hope for them if they are willing to self reflect and seek out some kind of professional assistance.

A good friend of mine was involved with a Narcissist a long time ago for several years - the relationship was an on again - off again kind of thing. The NPD person was female which I hear is rare; from the literature I have read the past several months it is estimated that only 20 percent or so NPD individuals are female. In my friends case his NPD friend alternated between directing false flattery and emotional abuse - unhealthy manipulation in a somewhat subtle manner. Her sense of entitlement was massive.

Nothing my friend could do for this woman was ever good enough. He was always wrong - she was always right - she rarely compromised about anything he was concerned about, yet expected him to take everything she said as fact or law. In the end, according to her, it was my friend who had all the problems, she had few if any, and it got to the point that he became brainwashed that he was seriously mentally ill. It took my friend many years to realize that he was doing just fine without her before they had met, and most of his major life problems occurred after they started dating, not before. Thankfully he seems to have recovered much.

BTW most people with full blown NPD will either never admit that they have this disorder or they don’t know they have it. They are very skillful at masking their disorder from others, either consciously or unconsciously.

The other side of the coin is that people who stay with those with NPD for any length of time definitely have some serious issues as well, namely co dependency - it takes two to tango. Usually if one has been in an abusive relationship with a NPD person it means that one is addicted to the NPD individual. In my friends case, he was addicted to her cyclic flattery and emotional abuse. I also believe that such people if they continue to remain in denial about their situation that there will probably be a point of no return for them.

From my experience I have found that many therapists don’t know what to do with NPD people. They are very difficult to treat.

Last edited by Lil'Pon; January 3rd, 2006 at 08:59 AM..
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Old May 13th, 2006, 01:43 PM
Howard kelly Howard kelly is offline
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 2
Default Re: Letters from Narcissus

I have just realised (dec05) that i am suffereing from Co Dependancy
a family full of secrets and emotional abuse guilt and shame which i
believe has made me addicted and attracted to people with Narcissistic behaviour problems.(autism, bi polar. narcissistic personality disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, Borderline personality disorder etc.
I tend to seek them out with my radar and become addicted to trying to help them. I only give up after they have emotionally abused me and emptied my bucket of kindness. I believe that i suffer from the following conditions but only bi polar and asthma have been diagnosed the bi polar i am yet to take any meds for as i have been misdiagnosed in the past.

1.Asthma excess cortisol production due to stress and anxiety leading to
symptoms of

2.symptoms of attention deficit (possible minor brain damage due to hitting head ona brick wall as a child or lead poisoning. tests show an excess of lead in my system)

3. Co dependant behaviour as described above (addicted to emotional abuse)

4. Post traumatic stress twice after lack of reciprical kindness from
people who are self centred and controlling.

5. symptoms of severe seasonal affective disorder (i do not function mentally or physically during winter. (oct to mar ).

6. I am just comming out of a deep depression after suffereing from what i believe to be post traumatic stress which has been going on after escaping from a person with symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder. I have continued my addiction with two others since (alcoholic girl with borderline
personality disorder) and another person with severe Bi Polar disorder who
everyone avoids as he is very angry and Paranoid and tries to turn you against others. I believe that i have spotted my weakness just in time and fear that my parents were partly to blame for my conditions.
My father continually still controlls me with emotional blackmail as he gives me
financial and material gifts. I believe that he gives in hope that he will recieve love and care in return and this is also my problem.

What do you think ?????

Thanks Hunkychunky1
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Old May 13th, 2006, 01:48 PM
Howard kelly Howard kelly is offline
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 2
Default Re: Letters from Narcissus

P.S. if someone has been bullied/abused does that mean that they might also turn into a bully/ abuser ?

Thanks again Hunkychunky1
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