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Unread January 30th, 2005, 11:18 AM
c2thayer c2thayer is offline
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: florida
Posts: 4
Question Hello, looking for treatment + background

Hello, I would assume this forum is dedicated for the professional as opposed to the patient, however I'm trying to find resources/help.
I created this account for both my wife and I to use since we are trying to work as a team when applicable.

Background/why I’m here....
I'll try to use brevity as best I can.

Back in October of '04 I was arrested at my job and charged with possession of child porn with intent to distribute. For the first few days in jail, my wife was considering divorce (understandably). We talked on the phone daily and through our pastor and decided to go "with her gut" and stand behind me. After 17 day's in jail, she retained a lawyer and bonded me out at great expense (I did not ask her to do this, but I did tell her daily how terribly I missed her and my son [just shy of 3 years at the time] ).

This case is not settled yet and therefore I can only state common knowledge facts pertaining to it for now.
The evidence the state has is a number of nude (no couples and no sex) photos of teen and a couple pre-pubescent girls that I allegedly emailed and posted to some groups. There was no evidence found at our house or on either our home computer, or the one seized from work.
Given the gravity of the charges and the area I live in I/we are considering a plea agreement with no jail time but 3-5 years probation and 3-5 years in the sexual offender program.
In the interim of both the state and I considering the plea agreement, I went in for a sexual offender evaluation at my expense. I was given a background questionnaire, a IQ test (which I scored about 25 points lower than I ever have which is something im obsessing about. 25+ points!!!??) , a SAI test which the doctor stated in his report that although I was apparently truthful and in the "very low risk" category, that I was also in denial (I guess in relation to the charges), a Molest scale in which I scored "very low risk", a Rape scale also "very low risk" and the Able screen card sort test.
Now, of the tests, the only one I took issue with is that I feel his assistant gave me incorrect directions.... he told me to think of each person in the photo as "if you were in a sexual situation with them" after the first short test run I felt uneasy like I was supposed to judge them based on the photos as they were, not "as if you were in a sexual situation with them". If I WAS given incorrect directions, I think this would skew the results. As it was the way I took the test, I still did well considering what im accused of, however it showed I was sexually attracted to teens and young teens.
Also during direct questioning by the Doctor, I stated I was attracted to petite and skinny females..... This and the results of the Able screen are what are causing my relationship the most turmoil. My wife feels like she is excluded from the sort of people im attracted to and is "in the same state of shock and hurt" she was after my initial arrest.

I’m looking for any help/advice, resources.
I've looked for couple’s group therapy such as COSA, Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA) , ect. ect., but cannot find a group within 100 miles (very disconcerting considering the metropolis I live in).
So it looks like a councilor for US. Therapy for me alone is pretty much a given in the sexual offender program, but im more concerned with US than ME.

Gotta get going to church, but I greatly look forward to any replies.
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Unread January 31st, 2005, 05:41 AM
Lindsay Smith
Posts: n/a
Default Re: Hello, looking for treatment + background

I don't know if I can be of any use except as a sounding board. I live in Australia so I'm outside your justice system. A lot of water has gone under the bridge already in your situation. As there is no 'hard evidence' on either computer I wonder why you admitted to anything at all. Most people keep their sexual fantasies to themselves.

The media regularly use young nubile females to promote product. Obviously a huge number of people find such images enticing. There are a lot of zealous people running around looking for anyone with a vague interest in child sex. Michael Jackson has made such behavior news worthy. The Roman Catholic Pope in Martin Luther's day certainly into deviant behavior. Did you seek legal advice? Perhaps you could direct a questions to the BOL legal forum.
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Unread January 31st, 2005, 09:12 AM
c2thayer c2thayer is offline
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: florida
Posts: 4
Default Re: Hello, looking for treatment + background

Thanks for the reply Lindsay.

Male half responding:

As to admission, I admitted nothing to the police other than participating in adult porn groups such as MSN groups and yahoo groups, and having sent photos. I never outright admitted to looking for or participating in groups for seeing pictures of girls younger than 18.
As to adimitting things to my wife and the doctor who gave me the eval. I think it was best to "come clean".
Again, legally I have not admitted to anything... I could take this to jury and perhaps if i was not in such a heavily right wing mega-baptist region, I could probably win, but I served on a jury and believe me 80+% of jurors do not hold the concept of "beyond a reasonable doubt"
(Ironicly, I say the above being both right-wing AND Baptist)

I could, but don't wish to go into how todays world regards younger teens in terms if sexuality.

The point really is, that I did look at porn and chat with women without my wifes knowledge, or consent. She feels cheated and IMO rightfully so. Soooo... im trying to find resources to heal us both from this.

Another Irony is that I really can't stand to be in contact with children, they have always....."freaked me out" even when I myself was a child (I was the only child living in the household at the time). My wife and I fought for years about having kids.
Now though, my son is my world, I love him like nothing ever before, and my feelings amaze me. Even with him in my life, I still feel compelled to stay away from kids because to be quite frank........ they annoy the shit out of me.
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Unread January 31st, 2005, 03:58 PM
Lindsay Smith
Posts: n/a
Default Re: Hello, looking for treatment + background

What kind of 'treatment' do you have in mind? Something the helps, that works of course. You will need to satisfy the Baptist community. My general feeling is that whatever you do, whatever process you go through the community that you live in won't allow you to live this accusation down. There are those who know about it & come to know about it who will never will let that happen. Some people will be raising the issue even by look & gesture unconsciously as long as they draw breath. Others may even get perverse pleasure from using the rumour against you in some way. So perhaps starting afresh somewhere else may be an idea. But that suggestion has limitations too if you only move & keep attending Baptist church & mix with Baptists who find out where you come from & so on. So changing the brand of Christianity you adhere to may be something to think about. Even changing religion. Relocating may be a big problem for your wife as she may not want to leave the place where you now live for many reasons.
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Unread January 31st, 2005, 06:07 PM
c2thayer c2thayer is offline
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: florida
Posts: 4
Default Re: Hello, looking for treatment + background

Actually I'm just concerned with making sure that she is not hurt anymore by what i've done (or more to the point... how she thinks I feel about her), and to make sure I deal with my addiction to internet porn. Oddly, we have had the best times together since the arrest, on my part because I saw that the woman whom I previously thought just regarded me as a sperm donor, really cared enough about me and us to stick with me, be supportive, and do everything she can to help keep me together (emotionally). On her part (I'm speculating because she is at work right now, maybe she'll give her input later) its been the fact that i've opened up. I just frankly never tried to have conversations and I would avoid uncomfortable talks at all costs. I've become more open and more approachable (IMO obviously).
In regards to how people on the outside think of me or us..... my arrest was in the paper and a total of three different broadcasts on the local news. Having said that, all of my neighbors have been very supportive (and yes they have children) and I/we have not been shunned. Now as far as friends and family, yes there have been some that have cut us off (few really), but honestly I could give two shits about them anyhow, so no harm no foul.
I care about my wife and son and how they feel about me and US, beyond that I can assure you I lose no sleep over what the "others" think.
I've not tried to get another full time job yet, I want to get the case resolved and that should be within a few weeks, but we have a decent savings and i've been doing enough side jobs that we are comfortable for awhile.
I do foresee possible problems in regards to getting a job because of this, but I think the odds are on our side, and we have faith.
The deal we are looking at would be a sealed conviction so I would not lose my civil rights or have the "felon" label. Obviously the exception is I would be a registered sex offender until I complete the probation, and would have to adhere to the conditions of that program. The only sticker there is telling any parents of my sons playmates that I cannot be alone with them without their knowledge and consent (that will be uncomfortable).

As far as the treatment I'm looking for for my wife and I, I want to do whatever it takes to get her to forgive me and be comfortable with our relationship. I too want to be comfortable with our relationship given the amount of shame I feel and the shame i've created.
God will/has forgiven me. Everyone else (save my wife and son) can jam it.
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Unread April 22nd, 2005, 09:35 AM
Natalie Natalie is offline
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 1
Default Support for wives/partners re child pornography

Has your partner (or someone close to you) been involved in child pornography?

Are you unsure who you can talk to?

Are you looking for a safe space to discuss your experience with others in a similar situation?

...Please join our online support forum for partners and friends...

"This forum is a supportive, non-judgemental space for all people affected by their partner, family member or friend's involvement in child pornography."
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Unread August 16th, 2010, 02:29 PM
sayuri sayuri is offline
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 6
Default Re: Hello, looking for treatment + background

This is a safe and easy way to discuss. Great idea.
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